17-year-old orphan, Jo, is one year away from leaving The Primaries and claiming her freedom. All she has to do is lay low and stay out trouble… her freedom and life depend on it.
FADE IN: INT. HOME - NIGHT We are in an affluent house staring down an empty and dimly lit hallway. Suddenly a loud scream comes from another room in the house. A little GIRL (6) comes running down the hallway. Her clothing suggests that she comes from a wealthy family. She runs around another corner and finds a small opening that leads her downstairs to a wine cellar. The screams get louder. She goes to the back of the cellar behind empty boxes. An elder WOMAN, a house maid, sits there. The little girl collapses next to another WOMAN, her mother (30s). She is covered in sweat, her stomach is exposed and bloody towels are scattered around her feet with one draped over her lap. She's holding a little NEWBORN baby. GIRL Mommy! Mommy! I can't find daddy. Her mother grabs her and covers her mouth with her hand tightly. MOTHER You can't make a sound! If they hear you they will take you. I need you to be brave for me.
A large blast is heard from somewhere in the house. The lights flicker. The girl's eyes panic. Her mother lets go of her mouth and signals her to stay quiet by putting a finger on her lips. MOTHER (CONT'D) Say hi to your little brother... The girl looks at the newborn and brushes its head. MOTHER (CONT'D) I know it's scary right now sweetie, but I need you to run. Her mother puts a weak hand on the girl's cheek. She is starting to fade. A pool of blood becomes bigger where she sits. GIRL (crying) Okay then let's go mommy! Get up! MOTHER I love you my sweet girl... But you have to go without me. A gunshot and a woman's cry are heard from down the hallway, closer to the room now. GIRL What about him? She rubs the baby's head. HOUSEMAID I'll take care of him, don't you worry. MOTHER Be brave for me. GIRL Mommy, I can't- MOTHER You need to go now! GIRL But- More gunshots. MOTHER Now! Run! She backs up with tears streaming down her face. She runs out of the room. Her mother's eyes close and her head drops. CUT TO: INT. HOME - MOMENTS LATER The girl is running through the house, she hears men shouting downstairs. She's out of breath from crying and can barely run straight. She hears two loud gunshots from the direction she just came. Her mother is dead. Suddenly the girl is grabbed and pulled into another room. She turns around and her FATHER (30s), kneels down to her level. His striking green eyes, the exact same as hers are filled with relief. FATHER You're okay! GIRL Daddy!! She jumps into his arms and they hold each other tightly. FATHER Where is your mother? GIRL Daddy I have a little brother! Tears fill the father's eyes. FATHER That's amazing sweetie! But your mother, where is she?? Are they alright? The girl's lips quiver and she cries. GIRL There was blood on the floor. She told me to run. I didn't want her to be mad at me. Her father's eyes drop. He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. FATHER No... (beat) Come on, there's no time. I need to get you somewhere safe. GIRL Who are all those men daddy?? What are those big booms. It hurts my ears. FATHER I know it does, I'm sorry sweetie. It'll all be over soon... Gunshots are heard getting closer now, a WOMAN screams in pain. The girl and her father look towards the door and listen as the muffled shouting gets closer. FATHER (CONT'D) You need to hide sweetie. There's no more time to run. GIRL But dadd- FATHER Quiet! You need to be absolutely silent! Hurry, get under the bed. He rushes her under the bed and has her scoot as far back as she can. FATHER (CONT'D) No matter what, do not make a sound, do not come out. When the men leave... (beat) run as fast and as far away as you can. Here. He takes off his ring and a necklace. The ring has a large silver band with a large ruby stone in the middle and the necklace is a simple black chord with a silver pendant attached. The girl takes the ring and necklace, holding them tightly in her small hands. FATHER (CONT'D) Hold onto those. Keep them safe for me. GIRL Daddy... FATHER I love you. He backs away from the bed and stands up in another area in the room. We can only see from the girl's point of view. Her father's feet pace across the room. He stops short of the door when the men begin to bang at the locked door. They work hard to eventually bust the door down. At least 6 MEN run into the room all shouting different things at the father. They drop him to his knees. The girl clutches her hand against her mouth in hopes to stop her from crying. Another MAN, wearing nicer shoes than the others walks in after everyone else. MAN Well well well... what do we have here? On his knees, begging for his life. Isn't that a sight to see. FATHER What do you want from me? MAN See if I tell you then that takes all the fun out of it. My friends wouldn't be too happy if I did that. He takes a deep breath like he smells something amazing. MAN (CONT'D) (to his men) Find the brat I'll take care of him. FATHER No! Please don't hur- Two guards begin beating the father. Kicking him relentlessly and hitting him with the butts of their guns. FATHER (CONT'D) Please I'm beg- BANG. A loud gunshot goes off and the girls father crashes down to the floor. His eyes meet hers one last time. She digs her nails into her skin to keep from screaming. Her father's eyes shut. One of the men pushes her father on his side and extracts blood from his lower back with a hand held machine. All the men exit the room, leaving the door open. After a few moments, she crawls out from under the bed and lays on her father's chest. A pool of blood seeps into the floor. GIRL (sobbing under her breath) No, no... daddy... The room is silent for a beat. Suddenly, she is snatched from behind. She tries to scream. We cannot see the man behind her, only his hand which wears a black glove. When he speaks she realizes it's the man who spoke to her father just moments ago. MAN Ahhh, there you are little mouse. He rips the ring and necklace out of her hands. MAN (CONT'D) I have special plans for you... His hand slips slightly from her mouth. She screams bloody murder. CUT TO BLACK. TITLE CARD: THE PRIMARIES
This is excellent writing. What is it from?
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It is an original story that I have created myself!
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I thought at first it might be a World War II diary, it was so realistic. It carries you along nicely with its suspense. Keep up the good work!
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Thank you!
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This made me feel soo real.. I thought somehow you knew this girl..
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By the way.. Welcome to the blogging world.. Here you are totally free to share your thoughts.. So welcome to the blogging world !! Have a great time here
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Ah, with gasp of delicious horror, I only just realise that part 2 is still only in the ether! I await impatiently. This was captivating. I am full of admiration. Like all poets, I am really a frustrated screenwriter, so I hope to live and learn through your postings.
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I loved this! Awesome read! 😀
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This is some fantastic writing!
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Superb! I loved it!
Hv a nice time!
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This is a great story! I love it and thought it was really your life story!
I love the initial description, the fact that you chose to depict an orphan who lived behind those gates. It immediately grabbed my attention and made me want to go on reading.
When I got to the latter paragraphs I thought to myself, I don’t remember a Chancellor with an English name… then when I scrolled down to read the comments that’s when I realized its your creation.
Brilliant work!
Connie
http://www.sassy.mom
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Thank you so much! I really appreciate your kind words. Stay tuned for more of the story!
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Wow, this really exceptional. Great work!
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this is so amazing, honestly! i’d love to read more of that 🙂 keep going ❤
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Very good writing style.
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Awesome read! Thank you.
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I like this, it’s very inspired, keep writing.
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This is good and an example of where I lack. Scene setup is si important and this is a good one.
I wish my setup was better.
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Captivating.
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Very captivating! I want part two..like now! 😊
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Your grammar is great, God bless you
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Wow! Wow! Wow!
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I enjoy that and I am looking forward to the next chapter.
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1want to see Part two. The story drew me in. Thank you
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I’m hooked! What’s next, Nexus?
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Part 2 is coming at the end of this month! Stay tuned!
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Awesome. I’ll be here!
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Awesome dystopian fiction – more please!
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I think you need to expand your umbrella beyond only ‘screenwriter’! This is wonderful stuff, very visceral. The guards being taken down, one bullet at a time, gave a real sense of immediacy to it. Lovely stuff.
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Thank you so much! Stay tuned, part two will be released at the end of this month!
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Cripes, this is good stuff!
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You have a terrific eye for detail. This was really well written. Ps: Thank you for checking out my blog.
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Love this . Beautiful writing.
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WOW. This is… speechless! https://livinguniquelyme.com/2018/08/01/wip-story-glimpse/ Maybe look at this?
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Great writing! Keep up the fantastic work!
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Thank you! ♥
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Great write-up. Looking forward to more. Btw, thanks for visiting my blog and liking my post.
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Hello, and thanks for following me. Have you written any longer fiction? I am new to fiction, thought I couldn’t do it, found I can. So far, I’m just writing ABOUT writing on my blog but you’ve inspired me to maybe put one of my stories on. “The Primaries” is fascinating. I admire this kind of writing.
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Thank you very much! I have other works currently in progress but none that are completely ready to publish, even The Primaries is a continuous work in progress. I highly encourage you to try your hand at writing stories! They’re extremely wonderful to get lost in. All the best to you!
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I’ve got three novels under my belt, something I thought I’d never do, but have cheated on stories. Where the competitions allow it, I have combined and tweaked chapters from the novels into stand-alone stories. It has really whetted my appetite for actually writing stories from scratch. I’m afraid I won’t be able to figure out how to end them 🙂
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I never know the endings to my stories until it comes time to write them!
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Very interesting read. Anand Bose from Kerala
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Very awesome and captivating post. Definitely going to read the part 2 now.
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If that’s the case–never knowing the ending–then I should be able to at least try. I am finding the most incredible thing so far about writing fiction is just that. My characters figure out where they’re going, and go there. If you ever have time, I would really appreciate your taking a look at the short excerpt on my site called “Ordinary Rituals” and giving me an honest critique. You are very good at this, and I’d value any suggestions. I started a historical novel yesterday–for about the fifth time! ! This one keeps stalling out. Anyway, I am loving Primaries. Thank you for posting them.
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Absolutely I would love to! And thank you so much for your loyal viewing! Stay tuned for part 3 later this month!
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You’re such a great writer! I hope to keep reading!
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Part Two is out now!
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This felt so real! Such a captivating, beautifully crafted story!
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Well written. Loved it👌👌👌
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Check out Part II, up now!
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I love the way you show fear and sadness here in this story; the plain terror of men with guns invading and ripping apart the home you love.
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Wow! Beautiful and gripping beginning to your story! Off to read part two!
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